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In my work with victims of narcissistic abuse I'm more often than not requested the same query: "How do I know I'm not the Narcissist?"

When I requested my own therapist this query so a few years ago she answered "Should you have been the narcissist you wouldn't be asking that query, because narcissist's won't see that the problem is with them." They're too busy projecting the problems onto these round them.

However our personal narcissism is a matter value exploring in more detail. For example: Why do we ask that query to start with. What's it that makes us really feel we're the narcissist?

In speaking to a consumer as we speak I had an enormous realization. She was telling me how she was at all times upset in her earlier boyfriends or partners. They just did not measure up to her expectations. As we dug a little bit deeper she explained how she has wavered between emotions of superiority and feelings of inferiority. She has built her personal phantasm or thought of who she was which in her own reality positioned herself upon a pedestal. So in a way she was doing the identical thing a narcissistic personality would do. She sheltered herself from her feelings of inferiority by putting herself upon a pedestal. That pedestal created a false confidence.

So when the narcissistic personality comes into her life her false confidence is initially mirrored by the narcissist who displays to her the image worthy of the pedestal she has placed herself upon. But because the relationship progresses her feelings of inferiority are triggered as he projects his own inferiority upon her. Now she is experiencing the sensation of having her mate dissatisfied in her inadequacy just as she has been disappointed in previous companions for their inadequacy.

What's the distinction than between the narcissistic partner and the one who feels abused? Compassion and Empathy! The shopper I used to be talking to as we speak, identified together with her companions emotions of superiority and in addition with his feelings of inadequacy. She had empathy for him. She did not wish to see him hurt because she is aware signs of a narcissist how painful it is to experience those self same kinds of feelings. A pathological narcissist may give a rip about his partners damage feelings. He's only concerned with himself and his personal needs.

The inverted narcissist, as Sam Vaknin calls it, is the proper match for the pathological narcissist. Because when their false selves meet, the illusion of who they believe themselves to be is bolstered to a degree where it may really feel like Cinderella meeting her prince who takes her out of her hell gap, the place she is made to wear rags and sweep ashes all day. Suddenly she is swept off her feet, she fits the glass slipper completely, and is carried off to the Castle adorned with beautiful gowns and riches fit for the queen she is.

Maybe in this fairy story, Cinderella at all times fantasized herself to be a queen, however she lived the reality of being an ash maiden. She was ridiculed and condemned by those round her and made to really feel unworthy of the great things in life. However she would show them someday. She would show them she was really a queen.

For these of us who come from painful childhoods where we have been somehow made to really feel inferior, we will easily create fantasy worlds the place we escape into by no means never land. We imagine ourselves as fairy princesses and that imagine our prince driving up on a white horse and sweeping us off our ft, carrying us from our humble reality to an amazing castle where we are treated as a queen must be treated.

In the psychic realm the psychosis of the pathological narcissist is a good match for the fantasy world of the inverted narcissist. Because on this planet of make imagine a great fantasy is created the place the King and the Queen of never never land get collectively and journey off into the sunset. It is such a gorgeous love story, within the beginning.

However all glass slippers eventually break and so do the glass houses the "ideal" couple reside in. There love shouldn't be constructed on anything real, but somewhat an phantasm of perfection created by both parties. She is saying "be my prince" and he's saying "be my queen." But once they settle into the Castle the true selves begin to emerge. The sentiments of inferiority begin to surface. Each partners do not really need to be came upon, less they threat dropping their standing upon that pedestal. "What if she finds out I am really a frog?" He may think. And she or he might marvel "what if he knows the reality of me, that I am solely an ash sweeper?"